Pity the newbie...

Ok, so I'm pretty new to this whole 'blogging' thing. As much as I love writing, I've never been able to keep a diary for more than a week, and I've also never seen the point in publicising my most innermost thoughts to complete strangers. But I thought as I'm trying to make myself a better person this year (and yes, I say this every year), I might as well try something new. Talking about my feelings instead of just eating them. And to be honest, although I've only posted once (which was a pretty heavy first post to be fair), I'm thinking that this could actually be quite...cathartic.

So I have been randomly scrolling through some blogs (found a couple of interesting ones already) and I think I could become quite addicted to this. It's possibly one of the most interesting forms of people watching I've ever attempted.

I think the chances of anyone actually reading my, let's be honest, pretty boring blog are slim, but if there are any veteran 'bloggers' out there who can give me any ideas on how to make my blog a bit more...jazzy, shall we say, then please leave a comment as it would be much appreciated :)


Tigerlily_xx

Who I am.

Who I am. I am insecure. I have made some bad decisions in my short life, some I may regret for the rest of my life. I’m not a cheat, even though I cheated. I am happy with my family, even though I don‘t show it. I have two or three “friends”, but nothing real as most of the friends I had are all at university. I do not want to be superficial. I hate myself sometimes. Actually, I hate myself a lot of the time. I just want to be happy. I don’t have a career plan. I can’t really afford to go to university, although it may happen in the future. I love books, writing and acoustic music. I hate being taken for granted and manipulated by other people, most vegetables, and anyone who does not respect my books. Sometimes I feel so desperately lonely, even when I’m surrounded by people. I get so low I feel like there’s no way out. I’ve had suicidal thoughts before. I would never do it though, I’m too scared. I am weak, and I hate myself for being such a walkover. I wish I could stand up for myself. I’ve tried to be someone else, but that didn’t work. I can’t hide from myself. I can only keep up the act for so long. I wish I could stop scarring my face, and my back. I know it’s bad, but I can’t seem to stop until it hurts. I wish I could lose a bit of weight. I wish I had the motivation to lose weight. I miss my singing. I miss performing. I miss him. I broke his heart. I broke my own heart. I’ve been breaking my mother’s heart for the last six months. I’m not a bitch, even though some people may think so. I’ve just made some big mistakes. I don’t want to be a clone, even though I follow the crowd a lot. I wish I wasn’t such a flake. I just want to be happy in my own skin. I’m scared of a lot of things, mostly of being alone for the rest of my life. And yet, I still struggle to open up to people, to let them get close. I hate being vulnerable. I think people think I’m this strong, confident person, capable of taking the world on by myself. But I’m not. I can’t handle a lot of things. I especially can’t handle change. I don’t want to change for that one person, but I would, to have him back in my arms. I just wouldn’t be happy. I need to grow up. I need to sort my life out. I need to clean my room. And my car. I think I’d like to be a writer, but I need lots of practice.

Finally, for the first time in my life, I feel like I might have found myself. This is who I am.