Bullet for my valentine? Preferably several, loaded into a machine gun.

In response to the numerous anti-valentines blogs, Facebook statuses and Twitter updates, with everyone claiming that today is a day created solely to boost the profits of evil environment-destroying corporations (with the added bonus of mocking the lonely, and therefore miserable, single individuals that seem to be the ones posting all these negative texts in the first place), I am here to offer a rather more positive outlook on the February 14^th. Well, I’m just going to piss you all off by telling you about my jour d’amour.

I’ve actually had a pretty productive day. Not only did I have lunch bought for me, I managed to bag myself a £20 Waterstones gift card (to all my admirers/future Valentines, take note: a gift card for this store is a sure-fire way to my heart…or at least a cheeky grope in the car on the way home), a sweet card telling me how amazing I am (which hello, I already knew, but it’s nice to know that others are also aware) and therefore boosting my confidence, and a little plastic keyring perfect for helping me to locate my car keys (its bright orange). And all this for less than 3 hours of my time. I didn’t even have to perform the usual mandatory blowjob, or lay back and think of how much better it would be if it was Jason Statham laying on top of me instead of my boyfriend.

I know it sounds harsh, and makes me look like a materialistic, self-obsessed bitch, but I’ve always believed in being completely honest and transparent for my followers (yes, all one of you).

And to top it off, all of the sweaty blokes that came into the jewellers and shelled out their hard earned cash on diamond earrings and necklaces (that their girlfriends would never wear because it looks like it came out of their mother-in-law’s jewellery box), guess what? You just boosted my commission for the month. Thanks guys!

So, to all of you who believe that Valentines Day is a complete waste of time, I just think you should know that I completely and utterly agree, but at the end of the day, I’m a plastic keyring and a couple of books better off than you. Happy Valentine’s Day!